Powerless
by PhaiFan
Summary: A short song fic. Hephaestion's thoughts and feelings towards Alexander after the murder of Cleitus. Lyrics: "Powerless" by Linkin Park


_Hephaestion's thoughts and feelings towards Alexander after the murder of Cleitus._

_Lyrics: "Powerless" by Linkin Park (in italics)  
_

_I don't own the song, the movie, anybody in it, well...I don't own a damned thing.  
_

* * *

I sit here, still in shock. I cannot wrap my mind around the events of the day. It is too much. Here, alone in my room, I have only my troubled thoughts for company, and they are far from comforting.

I thought I knew you, every part of you. I thought I knew the deepest reaches of your mind, body and soul.

Perhaps I was wrong.

I have seen a side of you that I hoped I would never see. Oh, I have known of its existence all along, but it was always kept in check. Until recently that is.

_You hid your skeletons when I had shown you mine_

_You woke the devil that I thought you'd left behind_

I knew of the demons that lived within you, and I thought you had defeated them, as you have every foe you have ever faced. And yet this time it was you who was defeated.

You have always had such tight control of yourself; your passions, your anger, your fears (and yes, I know you have fears). Self control is a virtue, you said.

Today only proved to me that you are a mortal man, like the rest of us, and not divine, as you want to be. Today I saw what you have become, and I am not sure I like what I see.

Today, you reminded me of your father. You became everything you hated in him. You lost control, falling to your vanities and too much wine. Who are you? I have to wonder.

I am not sure I know you at all any more.

What you did today…I am at a loss. I was right there, yet I still have trouble believing it.

_I saw the evidence, the crimson soaking through_

_Ten thousand promises, ten thousand ways to lose_

You had it all. You were loved…worshiped in fact…by your men. They would have followed you to Hades and back, twice even, at just your word and simply because they loved you. They felt like they were invincible with you leading them.

But you changed. You began to leave your men...good loyal men…behind. You became more and more distant, like you were so far above them. They worshiped you as their king and their friend. You wanted them to worship you as a god. The Persians might do that, perhaps, but not your veterans. Not the men who helped make you what you are.

And then today…maybe the words were harsh, maybe it was taken too far, but your response shocked us all. Maybe I am partially to blame. Maybe I could have stopped you. But no, it happened too fast and I was too shocked to react that quickly. I stood there, unable to move. I stood there, for once in my life, powerless. I watched you fall.

_And you held it all but you were careless to let it fall_

_You held it all and I was by your side, powerless_

Your men no longer know you. You have changed from the king they love to the king they fear.

I no longer know you.

What you did today…

Oh, I know you are sorry now. You are filled with regret and self-loathing, as well you should be. There is no excuse for what you have done, regardless of how the men try to justify it to appease you. It was simply wrong.

_I watched you fall apart and chased you to the end_

_I'm left with emptiness that words cannot defend_

I watched you break down and I could do nothing to stop it. There is nothing I can do. You have isolated yourself from everyone, including me. I fear that the damage is far too great. I cannot fight your demons for you this time.

I have always been there for you. I have always been beside you, or behind you, to pick up the pieces when you fell. I have always cleaned up your messes when you made them. I made a promise to you to always love and support you. I have never broken that promise. But now…Oh, I still love you. But to support you in this? I am not sure I can. Perhaps you are asking too much of me this time.

_You'll never know what I became because of you_

_Ten thousand promises, ten thousand ways to lose_

I never realized until today just what I have become. I have become like those that flattered you obscenely and belittled those you should have praised. I thought I was supporting you, flattering you as they did and ever faithful to whatever you chose to do. Now I see that I merely empowered you to pursue your madness.

No wonder a great many of them hate me. I am no better than the sycophants who bow and kiss your feet. Yes, I am one of them.

I am not sure I can do that any longer. Not now that I can see clearly what you, and I, have become.

What is next? If I voice my opinion, as I have always done, will you kill me as well? I admit I am not so sure.

Yes, you love me, but you have grown to love yourself more than anyone. Absolute power can corrupt. You said it of Darius, but you fail to see it in yourself.

We all see it.

And we all hate it.

You have lost the unquestionable love and loyalty of those that have followed you to the ends of the earth and back. You will be obeyed, but as I said before…it will be out of fear and not love. I count myself here as well.

I am not sure what I fear most…what you might do to another, or what you do to yourself.

_And you held it all but you were careless to let it fall_

_You held it all and I was by your side, powerless._

You have lost what made you great. You have lost yourself. I can do nothing about it. You no longer listen to anyone…not even me.

You have made me become something I never thought I would be, and I am not sure I can forgive you for that.

Now, as far as you are concerned at least…

I have become powerless.

.


End file.
